Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
