but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
