If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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