This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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