Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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