i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
