he thought i was a dude.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
