He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
