I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
