i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Randomize
