Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
