My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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