Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
