I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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