Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
