Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
