I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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