dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize