I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
