When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
