i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
