I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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