did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
