dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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