I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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