the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
two words...techno handjob
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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