we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
