what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
