you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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