you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
