I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
