I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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