Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
