Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
