I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
we're making bets on your personal life
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
