I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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