I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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