I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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