Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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