happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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