I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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