Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
