yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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