why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
