PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
