Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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