My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
porn star boner night. come get it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I would fuck him just for his dog
I woke up under a house in Key West
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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