dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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