My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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