I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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