i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
