No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
