My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
