I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize