best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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