Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
