Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
