Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize