seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
