Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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