my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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