remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
