I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
