My sheets look like a crime scene.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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