Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
