How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
