Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
