Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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